When Phoenix stuck his head inside the Potato Bag
by lilyoftheval5
Summary: A small collection of one-shot stories produced under the influence of awesomeness that is 'Diary of a Potato Bag' by nothing new in this world.
1. The Sneaky One

**Fandom: **One Piece  
**Disclaimer: **READ AND NO VIRTUAL BLOOD WILL BE SHED. PLEASE.  
This will be a small collection of one-shot stories that my quirky brain produced under the influence of awesomeness that is 'Diary of a Potato Bag' by nothing new in this world.  
They will vary in length, subject and I took liberties when it comes to currently mysteries and future plot developments. Be aware that they may feel like teasers since sometimes my imagination goes merely to that one point. It's unlikely that I'll continue with any of the chapters as they'll function as standalones.

I'm not claiming I have some special talent when it comes to writing and that stories are mind-meltingly good or up to the quality of the original.  
I do claim they are mine and I think they are decent enough to be shared like this. Finally, I claim that I do have permission by nothing new in this world to play around in her Universe and share the result.  
By the way, my honest thanks for Universe's very creation because it truly brought me much joy and gladness.

If you are fine with all this - Welcome. I hope you'll like it.  
If not - Thank you for your time.

Oh, and One Piece is not mine. Surprise!

* * *

Subject: AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
Place: Moby Dick  
Title: The Sneaky One  
Beta: mamc97nolongeranonymous (Special thanks for patience with me dithering around with it all. My only excuse is that I can be an insecure and lazy ninny sometimes.)

* * *

"You don't know me as well as you think."

"Oh?"

"Why once you called me sneaky. Me! Sneaky."

"When was that?"

"Oh, it was on Gurashia Island. Remember? The burning building and Devil Fruits? I was slinking around your group, through the smoke, so I could get to the kids and Fruits first."

"…. My bad."


	2. One of Life's Little Mysteries

**Fandom: **One Piece  
**Disclaimer: **Same as in the first chapter.  
**Notes: **For now, expect an update every weekend. In addition, any beta volunteers?  
**zoel black** - Glad you liked the title since I agonized over it ^^; I hope you'll enjoy this take. :3

* * *

Subject: AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
Place: Unknown Grandline island  
Title: One of Life's Little Mysteries  
Alternative title: It was the Taste

* * *

It was the darndest thing. She had no idea what made her do it.  
No idea whatsoever.  
Years later she was still completely baffled by it. I mean… What. The. Hell.

But it happened. And, quite honestly, she could never bring herself to regret it.  
The event never made it to the Diary. There was no way she could put it on paper and make it seem… decent.  
It wasn't indecent; it was just… simply hard to explain.

As for what happened?  
Well…

There was yet another confrontation with the Whitebeard's pirates. By some stroke of luck, _and it was about freaking time,_ she was not involved.  
In fact, her patrol was on the other side of the island proving once again that 'marine intelligence' was a hard to dispute oxymoron.  
They arrived when all but fires were out. Literally! The Pirates were gone and several buildings were burning, a few of them in Marco's blue flames.

Of course, it was one of those her squad had to take care of. Even when not present, he was still consistent in being a terrible annoyance. Typical.

So there she was coordinating extinguishing from the front patio and passing along an occasional bucket or blanket when a small flame started again on the nearby wooden beam.  
It almost seemed like it was dancing and winking at her. Which was ridiculous and an obvious proof of her utter exhaustion.  
Still, it was a beautiful sight – sparkly blue on black wood while the sun was just finishing its journey behind the waves. Wow.

She was already holding a wet blanket in her hand so she strode to the beam. Flame increased slightly, gaining traction, so she instinctively extended her other, free hand and grabbed the flame, cupping it to her palm. And then she stared dumbly at it, trying to figure out what exactly was she doing.

She could hold the flame, but why take the chance. Why making herself noticeable!  
And then an overwhelming curiosity overtook her and she did something utterly dumbfounding in front of a number of marines, some of which were actually paying attention.

She brought the flame to her lips and licked it. Luxuriously, like an ice-cream sundae, slowly and with relish. Few marines who actually saw this stared at her completely pole-axed. There were a number of unattractively open mouths and few cigars and cigarettes on the ground. She paid them no attention.

Instead, their Ensign blinked, shook her head and looked at the flame with what appeared to be shock and disbelief. And then she licked it again, sweeping the rest of the flame into her mouth. Everyone was still staring and a few additional mouths started catching bugs and ashes while her face completely blanked out. After a dozen seconds or so, Wesley decided to make a move, clearing his throat. However, in the next moment she burst into laughter.

A true one, one of those rare bellyaching, rib-bruising laughter. She positively shrieked and then fell on her knees trying to laugh and breathe at the same time. After a minute, the intensity of her laughter stayed the same, but she was now literally rolling on the ground laughing her head off.

Stern and decidedly not amused voice of Rear Admiral Sakazuki came from the upper levels of the complex, demanding to know what was going on. Was it really necessary for him to supervise them as well? Ensign Grey apparently heard because she managed to lower the volume and slowly, gaspingly brought herself under control and on her shaky feet. She wiped the tears of her face and, still giggling, entered the building that was just announced as safe.

She honestly didn't notice the frozen mass of staring marines. This was fine since they too didn't notice some things. Like a bunch of pirates watching them from an indentation on a nearby cliff. One of them would have given them shivers; he had a creepy smile and hungry, oh so very hungry blue eyes. They danced like flames.


	3. Merely decent

**Fandom: **One Piece  
**Disclaimer: **Same as in the first chapter.  
**Notes: **My favourite outtake

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Subject: AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
Place: Moby Dick  
Title: Merely decent  
Alternative title: She really didn't mean it like that

* * *

She stepped out on the deck alone and with a bit more bravado than she was feeling. She could take them. Embarrassment never killed anyone. Yet.

As the various groups of pirates lounging on the deck noticed her, whistles and catcalls began.

"Here comes Lady Phoenix!"

"Was he any good?"

"Already finished, it's barely dawn!"

"Had fun?"

"Was it a good ride?"

Nothing too crass or aggressive thankfully. She relaxed a bit, gave them a good glare and then proceeded to the ladders. She had to leave ship immediately if she wanted to finish her given task. Timing was not the best, but then again when had any of her plans worked as they should?!She was in a boat and just about done with detaching it from Moby Dick when a well-known voice called from above, "Hey Girlie!"

She was never going to be anything else to this crew, will she?

She raised her head and looked at a number of colourful pirates amongst whom Thatch's hairdo and pristine white clothes still managed to standout easily. He was looking at her with genuine concern.

"Girlie, he's our brother, but if he did you wrong we'll string him up properly," and then he gave her a questioning, sly, but an utterly heartfelt smile. "How was he?"

She almost brushed him off, but stopped herself. Thatch was Marco's brother and best friend, and his concern for how their wedding night went seemed sincere. Not that they believed that Marco would have hurt her, but they did honestly care enough to express concern.

She straightened to her unimpressive height and sent Thatch and onlookers a grateful smile and gave them a sincere answer. They and she deserved it to be said. After all, they have been spectators to their little drama for years.

"He was somewhat skittish, but we managed to turn it into a decent night."

That being said, she really had to hurry, time's a wasting. She gave a quick wave, turned on a borrowed dial and carried on following the middle log pose.

Not for the first time, not for the last time, she left behind a resounding and unnoticed silence. As one Whitebeard pirates turned to look at their comrade who, a few minutes ago, had followed his newlywed wife to the deck.

Marco the Phoenix, First Commander and First Mate of the Whitebeard pirates, acknowledged as one of the most powerful men on the world and one whose adventures in and out of bedchambers were the talk of the Grand Line and New World had his eyes firmly closed in pain, massaging the bridge of his nose to alleviate what had to be a truly impressive headache.

A massive headache that continued to intensify as chokes, coughing and attempts to hack lungs abounded around him. Unsurprising, since his decade long reputation could never trump the fact that his formerly virgin bride just described his performance, to dozens of his brothers, as 'skittish' and merely 'decent'.

He took a deep, steadying breath.

The explosion of hilarity that followed would not be surpassed in his lifetime.


	4. Apology is a lovely perfume

**Fandom: **One Piece  
**Disclaimer: **Same as in the first chapter.  
**Notes: **It has been suggested by a reviewer that some background info on the outtakes would be appreciated. I'm not so sure and think it actually may take away some of the magic. ;) However, if some you think so as well, let me know and I can share the relevant context at the end of each chapter.

* * *

AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point  
Place: Bar on some Grandline island  
Title: Apology is a lovely perfume  
Beta: Shiningheart of ThunderClan

* * *

"I owe you an apology!" It sounded as if the words were spoken on a last breath from a torn throat. Surprisingly, they also rang with sincerity.

He folded the cards and turned his full attention towards his favourite marine.

"Why?" It seemed like the quickest way to figure out this latest little mystery. Besides, she will not make it easy. That's what he so… appreciated.

She breathed in like a mountain was on her chest. Girlie could do drama.

"Do you remember Sasomo Island and Pennington?"

"Your beloved?" he smirked at her. Of course he remembered. He remembered everything about his girlie. How else could he collect enough pieces to get a true picture. Her disdain for the lout was amusing, his ardour for her a bit of a less so. Wait…. "Is he still pursuing you? I would have expected that you rejected him quite thoroughly in the meantime." She obviously had standards, but not high enough to keep her out of Marines.

"He..., he's still… in pursuit."

Hmm, next time they clash with Garp, mayhap he should devote some of his time to the idiot. Some pain and loss of a limb or two might clear his head regarding the meaning of 'No.' from a woman. And yeah, they do not make it easy because they use it in their delightful little games, but if you are not sure - back off and let them come to you. They always do.

"Anyway..."

Oh, his stubborn one was talking.

"In my effort to explain to him, again, that I'm not interested I choose… an unwise turn of phrase." She was starting to turn red like a ripe apple.

"What exactly?" he cocked an eyebrow at her.

"I may have said that.., that I'll accept his proposal the day he brings me phoenix teeth."

What the hell ….

"Phoenixes do not have teeth."

That was a fact. In addition, aside for the devil fruit power, they were nonexistent.

"I know that, you definitely know that, the whole world knows that. That's why it is used as a rhetorical phrase!" She sounded somewhere between despairing and angry. "He," and boy was there some poison in that word, "doesn't appear to know that."

"So," her shoulders slumped, "so I'm afraid I have done something that no person in this world deserves, I sicced Pennington's attention at you and for that," She raised her head and looked him right in the eyes "I'm truly, truly sorry". She gave him one more earnest blink, "Well that was that. Bye." then turned on her heels and marched straight out of the bar.


	5. As brooks make rivers, rivers run to sea

**Fandom: **One Piece  
**Disclaimer: **Same as in the first chapter.  
**Notes: **Bunch of thanks to MsSilentPianist for permission to use one of her images for the story's cover. *quick hug*  
In other news, the next three weeks are going to be exhausting ones for me so the next update won't be over the next weekend. It will be in two weeks. That's why I'll share a lengthier one this time. :3

* * *

AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
Timeline: AU after chapter 20  
Place: Capital of some Grand Line island  
Title: In any family, measles are less contagious than bad habits  
Alternative title: As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas  
Beta: Shiningheart of ThunderClan

* * *

"Excuse me.", a male voice sounded behind her. She halted, turned and looked at the speaker. He was an ordinary looking middle-aged man, brown eyes and hair, a bit on the chubby side. The only thing remarkable about him was the obviously expensive clothing, presumably the latest in this island fashion.

"Yes?" she answered. She was a marine on a duty and as such was obliged to lend an ear and offer assistance to citizens in need. The man gave her a quick once over.

"30000 beri for the night", he said.

She gave him a disdainful glance and quipped "Are you as stingy in bed as you are with the wallet?" and fucking froze where she stood.

It was a habit, pure simple habit. When there's money or favours involved - you haggle. You should always haggle. That's how reputation and money is made. Her grandparents taught her that and she did it par de course on Flowa. With her family, on the market, at a travelling bookstore… Not much opportunity for it since she ended up in Marines *quick shudder* but that was hardly enough to destroy a decade long habit.

By and large a harmless habit that now resulted in her entering negotiations for her 'night-time services'. Unfortunately, but unsurprisingly, the man before her took her 'blank-from-shock' face as 'I-want-a-better-offer' sign and, after another and a more thorough once over, he gave another offer.

"50000 beri."

She stood as still as rock while her brain slowly tried to start working again. Wait….. Wait. Wait! Wait! Wait! She was being propositioned? She? What the hell! She was just a plain, scrawny girl; looking young for her years was the only thing remotely remarkable about her. There must be girls a plenty like her in this town alone. And how could he think her a prostitute, she was wearing her marine uniform… Her officer uniform.

Oh god! The lights turned on and the whole thing presented itself to her like on a silver platter. The man wanted to fuck a marine. Got to be. A female one. No way had he mistaken her for a hooker since even from the spot they were standing, at the corner of the street that connected the port and the market square, newly moored marine fleet was clearly visible. She choked soundlessly.

The man with an interesting fetish - not common one she assumed or… Roger! Was there a group of men who went around finding and bedding female marines…?

Possible member of that group was starting to look put out and he huffed at her, obviously a bit irritated. "60000 beri for the night. The whole night. If it'll be a very good one, well, there might be a nice bonus." he smiled with a grin that she simply refused to decipher. Ever.

While she could understand, somewhat, a wish to figuratively as well as literally, screw over Marines, no way will she be a marine in question. She could not believe this! She opened her mouth to try to get out of this mess, somehow, when a most unwelcome voice rang out like a bullhorn.

"You filthy cad!" a cry echoed through the street they were on and spread to the square. People at the edge of the market began turning their heads towards them.

"How dare you, how dare you…." a red-faced, enraged Pennington was a frightful sight to see and he was marching swiftly right at them. The squad that was on the patrol with him a distance back. Close enough to have a good view of course.

The man shrank in fear, took a step back and with clumsy feet darted into an adjacent street. He immediately started running full speed. Pennington, with an inarticulate bellow of rage, followed at the man's heels. They quickly disappeared out of her sight. Commodore's squad swiftly followed them, the quick looks they gave her ranged from laughter and smirks to utter disinterest.

"Kim?" Smoker, who has obviously come back from his search for cigars, looked at her carefully. Like she was a wild, freaked out animal.

She took a deep breath and, somehow, responded with a steady voice "If you are done, Hina is waiting for us at the restaurant on the docks. Go and order something for me, I'll come in a few moments."

He looked at her with a face that would serve him well at future poker games. He suddenly nodded decisively, "All right." and left with long strides, not looking back.

She concentrated and took another, deeper breath and smiled vapidly at the few stragglers that were still paying attention. They slowly turned their attention to the bustle of the market.

She finally managed to move her legs from where they have frozen still and started to follow Smoker when a cough sounded somewhere above her. She stopped in her tracks and closed her eyes. Not wasting her time on either prays or curses, since obviously nothing has worked so far, she determinedly opened her eyes and raised her head to look at the second story balcony to the left of her. Apparently an open bar was located there. A nice one that was apparently also agreeable to hosting a bunch of Whitebeard pirates. She saw some familiar faces, but her eyes almost immediately focused on her very own, persistent plague.

Marco was looking at her with the most indecipherable look yet, his eyes shining with some indefinable messages. She looked away, shoved fingers in her ears and marched down the street in the direction of the docks. By some unknown grace, she was not followed. Hopefully she will be able to avoid that damned Phoenix later on while she scours the city for a curse-breaker. She has obviously procrastinated long enough with it.

The fact that she, once again, gave Phoenix Commander another first - spouting rum all over the table and fellow crewmembers - wouldn't have been a comfort even if she had known of it.


	6. The Oblivious One

Fandom: One Piece  
Disclaimer: Same as in the first chapter.  
Notes: Sorry for the long wait. Did warn you it would get busy in RL...

* * *

AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
Place: Moby Dick  
Title: The Oblivious One  
Beta: Shiningheart of ThunderClan

* * *

"You won't be bothered by spending a night alone with a man?"

She turned from the hatch and looked confusedly at the 4th division Commander. What did he want now? She could barely make him out through the haze of exhaustion and sheer mental fatigue. The neck breaking speed of events that brought her to Moby Dick left her practically swaying on her feet. Only her pride kept her upright. And now this man wanted to chat. Pirates were as chatty as old women, or at least these were.

"What man?" What was he talking about?

"Him", he pointed over his shoulder with a thumb at his fellow Commander who was in a deep conversation with Whitebeard a distance away. The menace that took responsibility for her good behaviour aboard the flagship. She was supposed to bunk with him tonight so he could keep an eye on her.

"Oh, Marco.", she tiredly and disinterestedly waved a hand in the air, "He doesn't count."

She then proceeded to promised bed that waited her below the deck. For a few hours of sleep she would at this point share a room with Sakazuki.

Behind her an appalled, shocked silence reigned.

"Gwahahaha!", Edward Newgate grinned fiercely at his First. "Quite something your girlie, it's been a while since I have heard a man get his balls so simply and thoroughly removed." His continued laughter easily dwarfed strangled snickers that spread across the deck. Brother or no brother, making fun of the Phoenix Commander at this particular instance seemed unwise.

As for the aforementioned pirated commander, his face seemed carved out of the stone and his eyes flickered with unholy, bluish flames as he perused the trapdoor through which his girlie disappeared.

_He_ did not _count_?


End file.
